apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
