I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
