I need to stop coming to work sober
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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