talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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