this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
