I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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