found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I didn't notice because vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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