I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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