Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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