You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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