I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
