puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize