Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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