I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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