dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize