the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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