Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
