Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
