Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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