So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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