After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
