The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
