BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
