My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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