got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
