she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
