You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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