hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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