Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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