You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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