And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
