I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
