i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
