she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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