got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
