what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
