if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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