You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
