Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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