can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
