You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
