I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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