I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
