Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
