im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
