I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
