Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Did I show you my penis last night?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
