he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Floor bacon is actually really good
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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