and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
