I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize