Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Small penises have feelings too.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
