I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
