why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
