can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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