oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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