Your mouth is God's brothel.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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