I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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