I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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