My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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