More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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