Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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