No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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