He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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