Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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