My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
