you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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