I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
