I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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