my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
