flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
