I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
