Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
