Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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