I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's just like the Real World with babies
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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